worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
