so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
