So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
We had sex on a dog bed..
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
