I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
