i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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