Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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