he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
