Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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