: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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