Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
