I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
It's blow job season.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
