when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
