just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
