it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
