drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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