theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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