he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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