it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I think I just sharted jello shots
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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