I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
