I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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