i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
