I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize