***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
