Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
