so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
