why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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