i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
