i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
