Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
