I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
