you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
