She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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