I am puke
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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