I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
