Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
