I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
