New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Randomize
