I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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