Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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