How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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