Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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