I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
