My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
