Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize