the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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