Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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