gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
