i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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