Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
