Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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