The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
