I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
