remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Is it penis luge time yet?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
