my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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