Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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