idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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