Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
