I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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