He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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