I can't watch pbs sober anymore
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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