your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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